If you’re a neurotypical parent or caretaker of an autistic child, you’ve probably had moments where your child’s behavior left you completely confused.
Maybe they ran out of a room unexpectedly. Froze up during something simple. Solved a problem in a way that seemed wildly unrelated to the situation.
But here’s something we’ve learned—not just as parents, but as autistic people ourselves:
There is almost always a reason.
It’s just… parallel reason.
That is, your child could have been listening. They may have taken in the information. They are thinking logically. It just might be that their reasoning is running on a track beside yours—similar in shape, but drawing on a different set of priorities, experiences, or rules.
And sometimes, if we don’t stop to notice, we’ll miss the whole story.
Linear vs. Parallel Logic
Let’s break this down for anyone new to the idea.
Linear logic is the kind most neurotypical people use. It’s step-by-step, based on common assumptions, and it expects that others are filling in the blanks the same way.
Example of linear logic:
“She spilled juice on her shirt. That’s okay—she can change into a clean shirt. No big deal.”
Parallel logic, more common among autistic thinkers, is still deeply logical—but it starts from a different point or draws from prior emotional experiences. It may prioritize different risks or interpretations that aren’t visible to the outside world.
Same moment, parallel logic might sound like:
“Last time I came home in a different shirt, I got in trouble. I can’t change shirts. But the sun dries clothes. If I lie in the sun, it will dry fast and everything will be okay.”
Both are logical.
One just wasn’t visible to the adults involved.
The Wet Shirt, the Sun, and the Run
This isn’t a hypothetical. That story is real.
Years ago, our daughter had a phase where she purposefully spilled water on her shirt at school. After a few conversations, we explained clearly that she shouldn’t do that anymore. She understood.
Fast-forward to a much later school year. During lunch, she accidentally spilled a drink on her shirt. A familiar para—someone kind and calm—reassured her that it was okay. “It’ll dry! Or we can give you a clean one.”
Instead of relaxing, she ran.
She pushed past the adult, bolted through the building, out the school doors, across the grass—straight to the asphalt by the playground—and suddenly laid down flat on the sun-warmed pavement.
To the school staff, this looked like elopement. They were surprised and alarmed. Our daughter didn’t usually run from adults.
But here’s the thing: she wasn’t running from anyone.
She was running toward an idea. (Which, of course, still needed to be addressed.)
She Was Solving a Problem—Her Way
From our perspective as autistic parents, her behavior made perfect sense.
She remembered the talk from years before. She was anxious we’d be disappointed if she came home in a different shirt—even if the spill was an accident. That emotional memory held more weight for her than the current facts.
So she developed a plan:
- Dry the shirt quickly in the sun.
- No change of clothes needed.
- Problem solved.
She didn’t ask for help, because she assumed—based on years of experience—that the adults wouldn’t allow it. So she didn’t wait to be told “no.” She ran.
Not to escape.
To fix the problem.
Never mind that a wet shirt would have dried on its own soon enough, and the problem was never as big as it felt to her.
The Context Gap: The Hidden Challenge
One of the biggest barriers autistic kids face isn’t behavior. It’s context.
Our society moves children constantly—from home to school, from one adult to another, from one routine to the next. Each space has its own rules, its own language (which is only getting harder to take at face value these days), its own social codes. And rarely do the adults in these spaces communicate clearly with each other about the specifics that matter to an autistic child.
So autistic kids start filling in the blanks themselves. Based on past outcomes. On body language—or what they think they know about body language. On a single word they heard two years ago—often in a conversation that had nothing to do with them—that’s never left them.
This is where parallel logic forms:
They’re doing their best with limited, fragmented, or emotionally charged data. And they’re trying to stay calm, solve problems, and avoid causing disappointment—even if no one else sees it that way.
What You Can Do
Get to know your child by letting them be comfortable enough to unmask. Give them a space where they can stim, relax, and just be. Then pay close attention to the things that help them feel safe.
Our daughter loves books, stuffed animals, music, playgrounds, and roller coasters. Those are her comfort zones. Once you learn what helps your child feel centered, you’ll begin to understand how they’re processing the world.
Then, make sure to draw attention to the good, the hard, and the growth. And before assuming defiance or meltdown, try this:
“They’re doing the best they can with the information they have.”
That mindset opens the door to compassion and connection.
Here are a few ways to support that:
- Say the quiet parts out loud. For example: “We won’t be upset if you need to change shirts. Accidents are okay.”
- Coordinate between adults. Make sure home, school, and caregivers are sharing not just schedules, but emotional history.
- Give permission for alternate solutions. Sometimes a child’s logic is sound—they just need to know it’s safe to ask.
- Be curious. Sell the pros of change. Instead of saying, “Quit doing that,” try, “I don’t want you to do that because this could happen to you.” Show them the why.
Final Thoughts
Your autistic child is working hard to navigate a world that changes constantly, often without warning—and they’re doing it with internal rules, deep emotional memory, and creative reasoning you might never see unless you look sideways.
So the next time your child reacts in a way that surprises or confuses you, pause and ask:
What idea might they be running toward?
Because understanding doesn’t begin with control.
It begins with noticing the logic that was always there—just traveling a different road.
Control is merely a temporary tool to help prepare them for real life. As parents, we need to be thinking ahead:
How can they operate when we’re not doing everything for them? What can I allow them to try, now?
Because most likely, someday, we won’t have the grace period to choose.
For more stories, reflections, and gentle guidance, follow Bailey’s Cozy Corner Blog. Whether you’re an autistic adult, a parent, or just someone learning how to love better, we’re glad you’re here.
You’re not alone.
And neither are they.
Don’t forget to browse our shop to find you or your child’s next most favorite shirt!
SHOP NOW at cozycreativedesign.com
Leave a Reply